There is this bubbling, anxious, incessant feeling that fills me when I think of the future. At its core lies excitement and ambition; this longing in me that is just dying to know all of the places I will go, the doors that will open to me.  

But this feeling is still characterized by notes of disappointment and uncertainty that at times overwhelm me. 

This sense of worry is still new to me, like an unexpected guest that I can certainly entertain, but that I wasn’t quite prepared to see at this particular moment in time. I knew exactly what I wanted going into this year as I’ve known since I set my mind to it in the ninth grade, committing myself to what I felt would be my best educational opportunity.  

They told us one day in class: “Consider yourself. Now consider the person next to you. Only one of you is getting in.” 

And though it was a harsh way to thrust the competitive nature of the world on a group of ninth graders, I took the challenge head-on, promising myself that I would try my hardest.   

I pushed myself academically, reaching for higher grades and stronger opportunities. I gave up my time for studying and rehearsing, eager to see what I could do if I just worked hard enough. I survived the very foundations of my person being shaken, learning and evolving while still clinging to my ambitions. Post traumatic stress disordered altered everything I knew, as did grief, as did depression. But even at my worst, I knew that I owed it to myself to keep going despite everything, fighting this secret battle simply because I knew that I couldn’t give up. 

Something in me cracked when I read that message. I knew that it wasn’t a given, I had been reminded so many times throughout my life that sometimes things don’t work out, that we don’t always get what we want. But as it sunk in that the plans I had so lovingly handcrafted were just out of reach, I still struggled to understand. How can a person want something so bad, try so hard and still come up short? 

  I did my best to articulate it in my writing: “There is a grief in me that mourns not the honor and glory of opportunity, but the hope that I held so close to me through those years of perseverance. In the darkest nights of my aspirations, I pressed on in the name of a dream I had carried on my shoulders, for the person I was five steps ago, a block ago, a mile ago.” 

I had come to understand everything about my life through my ambition. It had weaved its way into my perseverance, my innovation, my fascinations and become a crucial aspect of my identity. This was the lens with which I had first been able to imagine a future for myself. At once, my academic plans and my sense of direction seemed alien 

“The future is as clear as it was yesterday, but the sky has still turned a shade, and I must find a new compass before I depart… And yes, there will come a day where this disappointment is but a fancy; however, today is not that day, nor will it be tomorrow. So deep is this pain that I feel, for it takes the place of the desperate desire that has cultivated itself in my being, seeped into my bloodstream, and circulated through my body.” 

It felt stupid to be so upset over something as simple as disappointment, to be so disrupted, yet there I was, crying into absurd amounts of strawberry ice cream as I tried to console myself. And for a while I remained lost, still mulling over all the missed opportunities and the not quite as good routes forward. 

Somehow, this was how opportunity found me. It wasn’t the future I had promised my 15-year-old self, but it was life changing all the same. As suddenly as I had become lost, I was finding myself in a new place that I had never considered traveling to 

As I looked my future in the face once more, it became clear that while the dream that I fostered all those years had faded away, I had never really lost the hope that had originated those plans in the first place. Maybe it wasn’t that one thing keeping me going, but rather a perpetual forward motion, a belief in myself that stayed strong not matter what. After all, I am nothing if not determined. 

Now I wait for this next chapter of my life to begin. And yes, I am still scared. Scared of the uncertainty, scared of the distance, scared of the unknown.  But I feel that I can take on such feelings. 

I have faith that I will find myself some sort of success, some sort of happiness Apparently, that dream of mine wasn’t what I truly needed to follow. No, that was for my friend Grant who was sitting next to me that day in ninth grade, for every other person who was meant to follow that path. 

This future–unclear, unimagined, undiscovered–this future is for me.