A commentary: wisdom teeth

BEFORE: Aug. 21, 3:27 a.m.

I am currently sitting in the dark, with this Word document and the glow of the computer screen on my face. Tomorrow… excuse me, today I will be a different person. A part of me will be lost: my beloved wisdom teeth.

I am a ball of fury.

Most people are put to sleep when they get their wisdom teeth out, I thought it was a given. It turns out that it costs a substantially larger amount of money to be put to sleep.

So here I am, flipping out. I am going to be 100 percent awake, while a lady is cutting teeth out of my jaw. How morbid. I might just have to run away screaming.

Aug. 21, The Procedure, 9:12- 10:30a.m.

Good morning, I am sitting in an average dentist’s chair overlooking a parking lot. If I were to describe my attitude right now it would be the opposite of pleasant. I am actually quite unhappy as this lady pokes needles into my gums.

I do feel kind of funny, probably the prescription medication she gave me. Although I think I am writing this all right, so I must not be too crazy.

I am currently waiting for my face to get numb, so far I feel like a beluga whale.

Or maybe like a chipmunk who found an open bag of mixed nuts at a baseball stadium.

Ok, I have to admit that the lady who is pulling teeth out of my face is nice. Ok fine, she is really nice. She is telling me that it is cold outside and that she likes muffins.

This could have been a lot worse. I was imagining zombie apocalypse, blood and guts. But my headphones are in, Stevie Wonder is blasting and she is even letting me type this on my phone. I give her an A+.

“Wow your music is really great, I am feeling this,” The nice dentist lady said.

That is her new name, “The nice dentist lady,” I named her.
I think I am delusional.

OUCH THAT HURT. I have four wisdom teeth, three of them in my jaw. I can definitely feel it.

I am going to stop writing this portion so I can listen to Stevie without distraction.

AFTER: August 21, 2:17p.m.

Please, call me fat face. I have taken the gauze out of my mouth and it looks as though I have been hit with a bat. How unfortunate. You can probably guess how my face feels right now.

I have watched multiple cooking shows today such as “Chopped,” “Cutthroat Kitchen” and “Diners Drive-ins and Dives.” They are way more interesting than they seem.

My sister is disappointed because there was no funny “wisdom teeth unicorn” video to be had.

The only plus to getting your wisdom teeth out while you are awake? You are not on an abundance of medications that make you extremely loopy and say weird, not to mention embarrassing things.

Other than having an extremely swollen face, I am fine.

Sept. 21, 3:41p.m.

It has been a month since my traumatic (self-induced) experience.

I am completely fine and can eat crunchy things. I can also yell at people like I did before I lost my wisdom teeth.

If I were to give advice for those getting their teeth out, I would say something along the lines of “get over it, stop being a baby.”

(Just kidding. I would probably give you a hug and say, “you will be fine, bring a blanket and music.”)